A Pregnant Lady's Morning

1. Wake up & try to sit up. Realize you cant sit up because the belly is interfering. Roll on side & sit up by pushing up on hands like an old person. Wonder if they make cranes to help pregnant people get out of bed.
2. Realize you are about to pee yourself. Try to stand up. Listen to every joint in your body crack & moan loudly for full effect.
3. Grab your sore back & try to stretch, but realize you cant because this induces pains in your belly. Grab belly instead.
4. Waddle into bathroom
5. Sit down to pee & realize you really didnt have to pee that badly, it was just the baby kicking at your bladder again.
6. Go to brush teeth
7. Drop toothbrush as you are horrified to see what appears to be your first stretch marks on your belly in mirror. Examine marks like a crazed animal by climbing up on counter to get closer to the mirror. Rub furiously at said marks. Slowly calm down because its just skin creases from sleeping on the bed sheet wrinkles. Phewww one more day without stretch marks.
8. Grap cocoa butter with Vitamin E & begin slathering it all over your middle until you feel like a greased pig.
9. Pick toothbrush back up & brush teeth.
10. Spit out mouth full of blood (because pregnancy makes your gums bleed like a faucet)
11. Wash face
12. Blow nose full of blood (because pregnancy gives you a bloody nose too!)
13. Examine size of belly in mirror. Refuse to look at your fat ass in mirror.
14. Go put underwear on. Wonder why sides of underwear are cutting into you. Walk by mirror & realize no pregnant woman should be allowed to wear a thong. Hold your resolve to not give into buying granny panties for one more week.
15. Waddle over to scale. Hold breath before stepping on (you rationalize this makes you lighter). Stare horrified at number. Quickly step off. Remove underwear. Step back on. Gasp horrified again. Run to pregnancy book & weight chart. Carefully record weigh & triple check that you're not anywhere near the high end of the range. Breathe a sigh of relief.
16. Time to get dressed - waddle over to closet. Find bra. Wonder why bra doesnt fit you (again!), mentally ponder where you can buy a bra big enough to fit you since your go-to Victoria's Secret stops making bras at a DD and apparently you've surpassed that. Pat yourself on the back because obviously those pounds you gained went straight to your boobs & not your ass (its ok to lie to yourself)
17. Stare at racks of clothes & try not to break down crying that none of them fit you. Mentally debate wearing nothing & laying on the floor of the closet all day in a depressive sobbing state. Choose outfit from the one of 5 things left that actually fit you.
18. Turn around in front of the mirror atleast 349 times debating if you look fat or pregnant.
19. When husband shows up, ask him if he thinks you've gotten bigger. His response that you look a lot bigger is not taken well. Break down sobbing that you're a fat beached whale with thunder thighs. Husband looks perplexed & assures you that you look smaller. Break down crying that your baby is starving since you're smaller & fall into hysterics again. Husband becomes more perplexed and decides to just ignore your crazy ass.
20. Pick yourself up off of floor & waddle downstairs.
21. Pour yourself a bowl of fiber-enriched cereal while daydreaming of eating yummy bacon, egg, & cheese biscuits & donuts instead.